December 31st, 2011

eliphas, napping

The year of my discontent

This was not a good year. It wasn't exactly bad, either -- it just felt ... stagnant. Not moving. Not going anywhere.

Looking at what has happened, "not going anywhere" doesn't seem correct. There has been a lot of change. But it all felt like some powerful undertow, dragging me away from what I want to be: Weird, creative, fearless, in motion. I feel caught in my own head, in my own unimportant, trivial and mundane life, dragged away from my friends, from my heart, from everything that should *be* in my head. "Stagnant" is not what the year was, but what I feel it has made me.

I am not as unhappy about this as I feel I should be. I feel only a vague dissatisfaction. This is very much Not Good, and the only vaguely consolating thing is that I have felt like this before and always managed to drag me out of it again. So there's my New Year's Resolution.
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